bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
