I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
