i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
