hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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