the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels