I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.