Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you