the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
