He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
