I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
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