If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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