I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
