I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
