So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
