I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
His nipple licking is glorious
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