maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
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