I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
