So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
