If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
they call him Oral-B. enough said
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
