You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
