Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
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