Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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