Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
