What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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