He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
