god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
