You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
