3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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