i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
