Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
