my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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