Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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