i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Randomize
