speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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