So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
