hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
