I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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