I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
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