i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
