so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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