Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
