My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
