why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
