hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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