Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
