True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Randomize
