things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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