So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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