I could make wine with my vomit
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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