I hate all girls vehemently.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
