Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
