so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize