I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
