Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
