i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
