I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
