i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
