am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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