She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
