I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Randomize
